KEVIN HARE TALKS MOVIES HE HASN’T SEEN- TEEN MOVIES!!

Yo, what’s up? So I meant to have one of these things done in October, but I spent my time not watching a single horror movie or doing anything fall related, so I didn’t get around to not seeing any other movies, either. Anyway, fall is a great time to reflect on some good ol’ nostalgia for the teenage parties you never went to and the fun you never had. Here’s five teen movies that I’ve never seen but feel like I know well enough to review anyway.

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Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

This is a documentary about the Fast Food King attending high school for the first time at the ripe age of 27. Now, this guy is a king, so he never had to attend school before. He sits on a throne with legs made of French fries and a cushion made of burgers. No one in the school realizes they are in the presence of such royalty, though, so they just act like their typical jackass selves. They smoke a ton of weed. The Fast Food King realizes that he didn’t create a quick, sensible food for families on a budget to enjoy. Instead, he just made a food that high as hell imbeciles like to eat at midnight. It all came to a head when a few kids got into a serious car accident while fighting over the last chicken nugget. The Fast Food King decided to end it all and mummified himself in front of the entire school. A realistic but sad look at high school today. 3 ½ stars

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Kids:

5 friends grow up together, partying, skateboarding, and having tons of fun. We join their typical hijinks: crazy parties, wild nights out, running away from seniors who just want to beat them with paddles. One of the freshmen is able to continuously avoid getting the paddle, making the seniors more and more angry. Eventually, they paddle his ass anyway but look like complete jackasses for caring about a fucking paddling. Eventually everyone just parties together, have a good time, get laid, and live happily ever after. Fun enough but pretty generic as far as teen movies go. You’ve seen this one before, folks. 2 stars

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Say Anything:

A normal guy discovers that some girl he knows is trapped in someone else’s body. He decides to do whatever he can to get her out. He lies, he stops drinking and takes her to a big field and tries to leave her there to exorcise her from her host. He realized how serious it was when he notices that she thought she was a game show host and that she gave him a pen as a prize. He then went crazy and fused a boom box to his hands. He just listened to Kraftwerk and stuff like that all the time really loud, annoying anyone around him at all times. He then starves to death because his hands were a fuckin boom box and he couldn’t put any food in his mouth. Meanders a bit, but solid storytelling. 2 ½ stars

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Better Off Dead:

This is a prequel to Say Anything. So the same guy decides he’s going to kill himself. He tells everyone he’s going to do it. He tells his family, he tells his friends. They all want him to stop and not do it, but he just spirals further and further downwards. He’s a dummy, though, so nothing he tries works. Like, who tries to kill themselves while skiing? Anyway, he lives and is miserable for the rest of his life anyway. Suicide isn’t funny so I don’t know why they tried to turn this into a comedy. *

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Some Kind of Wonderful:

Driver (Ryan Gosling) is a skilled Hollywood stuntman who moonlights as a getaway driver for criminals. Though he projects an icy exterior, lately he’s been warming up to a pretty neighbor named Irene (Carey Mulligan) and her young son, Benicio (Kaden Leos). When Irene’s husband gets out of jail, he enlists Driver’s help in a million-dollar heist. The job goes horribly wrong, and Driver must risk his life to protect Irene and Benicio from the vengeful masterminds behind the robbery. ***

Kevin Hare

Kevin Hare

Kevin Hare is 28 years old and doesn't do much.
Kevin Hare
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